Haven’t had much time to blog in a while. Haven’t had much time to do anything really in a while. My life has basically become a perpetual 7-day routine of sleep-work-sleep-work-sleep-work-work. I’m pretty tired these days but I’m still young and feel pretty good overall.
Moreso than work though, my life has pretty much been turned completely upside down in the past month or so by one specific thing that we are just now being open about. Little hints have been around for a while and a few people have been told, but for the rest of you, Devon and I are going through a separation. Nothing has been filed or made legal yet, but right now it looks like we will be splitting up for good.
First of all, we are still on friendly terms and plan to remain friends. We do not hate each other, there was no drama, no fighting, and no adultery of any kind. I still care about Devon greatly and will likely do so for the rest of our lives. After almost five and a half years together how could I not? She is a wonderful person and her family and friends (who are now my family and friends) have been amazing as well. They accepted me into their lives and hearts and I will consider myself extremely fortunate to remain friends with all of them. But for the time being, I have moved out and am staying with my uncle. It is a convenient arrangement since his job takes him out of town and I can watch the house for him while he is away.
That being said, it is a little weird, and even a bit scary, to be alone for the first time in five and a half years. Especially since I am still not very good at meeting people and making friends on my own. I will say though, that I have never been more confident in myself and who I am as a person. My relationship with Devon was the greatest thing to ever happen to me. Not only for the relationship itself, but for me and how I was able to grow as a person. Since meeting her, I have learned to come out of my shell, be comfortable with the person I am, and interact confidently in social situations, especially around women. Before meeting her, I was a shadow of the person I am now. And while there are still situations and times that make me uncomfortable, thinking about how I have grown gives me confidence that I will be able to overcome my fears. I heard a saying recently, “don’t be sad that its over, be glad that it happened,” and that really stuck with me. Now to be clear, I am not saying that I am not sad. I have been through very few things in my life that have made me sadder. Anyone who has ever had a loving relationship end will understand the cacophony of emotions that flow through you. But the point I think is that you must look at all the good things that came from your experience, remember how fortunate you are to have had those good experiences, and use them to be strong enough to face whatever the future may bring. I cannot express with words how grateful I am for my five years with Devon and all the people and memories and love and strength that those years have brought me.
My plan right now is to stay with my uncle for a while, pay off bills, save money, and eventually get my own place on the east side. Hell, I may even be starting to consider myself an east-sider (gasp!!!). I still love the west side, but I have been on the east side for so long now that almost everything and everybody that means something to me is there. If I could take back one thing, it would be moving us to Lakewood. Given the possibilities at the time, it was a risk that seemed perfectly reasonable, at least to me. In hindsight, it was the worst thing I could have possibly done. There is nothing I would like more than to go back two years and start over with the knowledge I have now, to have another chance at happily ever after. But no amount of wishing will undo what has been done, and so I must acknowledge, accept, and move forward.
Understandably, it will be quite a while before I am ready for another long-term committed relationship. I am basically living for myself for the time being and looking to have some fun. Given my newfound inner strength I am finding this easier than I expected. This whole thing has really driven home how lucky I am to have such amazing people around me. Being as shy as I have always been, I don’t think I have ever truly understood the whole “friends are family” thing. Up until a few years ago, I never had any friends I was that close to. To say that my eyes have been opened would be an understatement. Seeing my friends want to continue talking to me as just Travis instead of Devon’s husband, hearing their concern for us, and spending time with them, I haven’t been this socially alive in…..forever. I have not spent one single day alone since I moved out. I continue to talk to my friends from Chase, even if only occasionally. I have been invited out with some friends I met through Devon more than once. I continue to see a good friend from Progressive who doesn’t even work there anymore. My mother in law wished me a happy birthday yesterday. When I get home now I check MySpace and Facebook before checking any video game news sites (and if you know me, you know how significant THAT is!). And even though I only work there 2-3 days a week, I talk to my friends from Denny’s every day and see them on average twice a week outside of work. It is these things that have made it possible for me to find happiness again and get through one of the most painful and emotionally draining experiences I have ever been through.
I will always look back fondly at my relationship with Devon. She was my first real girlfriend, my first true best friend, and will always be special to me and the one person I can talk to about anything. I can only hope she looks back on our relationship with as much joy as I will and hope that I brought her as much happiness as she brought me. I look forward to many years of friendship with her.
For the first time, I have no concrete plans and have no idea what will happen in my life from here on out. But also for the first time, I feel like I am capable of handling myself in whatever other curveballs life has in store for me. And when you look at it like that, considering the huge piles of shit that have been tossed my way for the past 15 months, that is not such a bad place to be.
“It’s only after you’ve lost everything that you’re free to do anything.” – Tyler Durden
